Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
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God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I know
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.