Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My blood type is b hungry.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.