[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
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why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
But I really needed water water water
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
That’s it.I’m out.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.