According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
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If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.