him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
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BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken