Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
You Might Also Like
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
#Caturday
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.