Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.