Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Worth the read.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]