Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Perfect
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.