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[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
good for her
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks