im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Planet of the Apps.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.