I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo