every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
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Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
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Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…