MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
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Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and