ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
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Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard