older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
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I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon