You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
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I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
What’s so funny?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
What?