“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?