In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
You Might Also Like
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’