burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
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My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right