“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
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That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
That’s fair
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
You better watch out
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”