You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
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This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”