The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Dietest Coke
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
This is my cat’s medicine.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!