Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
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Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
what?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Very good news from my accountant