Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
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“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.