Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
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The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.