When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
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Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.