My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Just a friendly reminder!
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Safety first
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
notice
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.