Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
thank god
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.