[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Science memes
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once