*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
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Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER