what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
You Might Also Like
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus