“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
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next question.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
work smarter, not harder
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
it’s finally my moment to shine
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day