My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
You Might Also Like
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Autocorrect completely socks
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?