Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
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This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie