Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
yeet
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
The Backseat Boys
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Fights fire with marshmallows
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
The absolute effort that went into this omg
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.