I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
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[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.