Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
#math
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
this article brought to you by lions
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.