Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
me and my fake scenarios
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.