interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
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this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17