A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”