When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
You Might Also Like
2 years later
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Cinematography is my passion
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom