Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
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I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Noah was an idiot.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
TODAY
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Monday Lisa