therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th