I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
You Might Also Like
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Canadian owl: Eh?