Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.