i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
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My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.