Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
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It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
channeling her this year
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*