WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
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Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.