I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
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DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥